Community: Real Life

The diagnosis


Toni

Toni is a 19-year-old from Leicester, who is currently unable to work due to a compulsive disorder. She talks us through the ups and down of this devastating illness.

After a torturous few months thinking she was dying from a host of diseases, Toni was finally diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

The day I was told I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was the day my life changed forever.

I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. From that day, I had to think about drugs, therapy and psychotherapy. Not what I'd been planning at 19, I assure you. There was, however, a real sense of relief when my doctor told me I had OCD. 

I'd spent the last 10 minutes crying on her shoulder, talking about the living hell I had been in over the previous four months. For the entire duration of this un-diagnosed stage, I simply thought I was going crazy. Suddenly, I was being told I wasn't going mad. I was suffering from an extremely severe case of OCD. My horrific situation now had a name.

The OCD symptoms first began on August 21st 2004. I remember it vividly. I had a cold with the typical grim symptoms, including a sore throat. Then I ran a hand down the outside of my throat, and thought I could feel a lump.

A lump. Cancer. I must have cancer.

"I probably could have dealt with it, if it had just been the hypochondria. But, I couldn't shift the thoughts about death and destruction."

There was no doubt about it. I was convinced. I had a lump in my throat; it was throat cancer and I was going to die. Of course, it wasn't. When I rushed to the doctor the next morning, I was told that I only had tonsillitis, and I didn't tell her about my throat cancer fear. In retrospect, I wish I had. I should have realised that the night of hell I'd gone through - not sleeping; laying awake terrified - wasn't normal.

So then it started. I didn't have throat cancer, but a couple of days later it was a brain tumour. Then came the ever-present stomach cancer which I've had" about 15 times now. Then there was the leukaemia scare, then cancer of pretty much every organ I could identify. I actually had pains that added to the delusional thought processes. I probably could have dealt with it, if it had just been the hypochondria. However, I couldn't shift the horrific and macabre thoughts about death and destruction. These thoughts consumed me; terrified me;  they were me. Coupled with the hypochondria, I spent every day in fear for my life, obsessing over thoughts of death, dying and cancer.

It took two months to go to a doctor about my feelings. The first doctor I saw said I was probably feeling a bit low and needed some counselling. It took another two months before I went to my current doctor, the magnificent Dr. Taylor, and was actually diagnosed. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, manifesting itself in way of obsessive thoughts and rituals. Dr. Taylor couldn't believe it hadn't been spotted before; I'd been to the surgery weekly with my cancers" and I had even expressed a worry to the other doctor about my thought patterns.

So I sat there, in late October 2004, trying to dry my eyes and listen to what she was saying. She was telling me all about OCD, the various treatments and what I could expect. I tried to concentrate, but a part of me had taken over and was on auto pilot. It's OK", that part said, you have an illness and it has a name."

That was the most comforting thing of all.


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