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Community: Real Life

A child is for life


Becca

Becca, 17, is enjoying the summer between AS levels and the infinitely more ominous A levels. She enjoys reading, writing and talking about reading...and writing.

Becca has had enough of parents who don't know what they're getting themselves involved in when they have children.

What teenager hasn't ranted about their parents? And somehow, we always end up feeling guilty about it. Obviously we're the ones at fault. Bollocks.

I don't mean to sound cliché, though I clearly will, but we didn't ask to be born. It was our parents' choice to have us. They may say that pregnancy was an accident or a surprise, but there are ways to ensure that you aren't left with dirty nappies and sleepless nights.

Of course, no one really sees past the baby stage when they think about the downsides to pregnancy. And they don't see past cute, needy infants with tiny hands and stumbling toddlers who they can teach to read and count and endeavour to control. That's what being a mum or a dad is about - for the first couple of years.

And guess what: the responsibility doesn't end when children start growing up. It increases. Because as we start to grow up our parents have the most influence on how we turn out. I'm not part of some 'blame the parent for teens mistakes' brigade, but I know kids who have such low self esteem it's almost like a disability - and it's all down to the way their parents neglect them. Other kids I know roam free and wild because they've never known the boundaries of discipline. Ignorance is the greatest curse, and ignoring children as they grow up can curse them for the rest of their lives. We feel justified in resenting parents who actively abuse their children, but we're oblivious to generations of children who are just being ignored.

Just because we don't need parents to hold our hands to cross the road, doesn't mean their bit is over. It just means it's changed. Parents seem to apply themselves to one role for the entirety of their child's life, and find it impossible to shift when their child's needs change. So they just stop trying.

OK, I'll be fair and say this isn't true of every mother and father in the country. Hell, maybe it's not even true of the majority. All I know is that there are too many parents who don't even attempt to understand their kids when they start growing up. And they certainly fail to adjust. But it is their responsibility, regardless of our age, to care for us, because it was their choice to have us.

"I'm a teenager and I'm oh-so selfish, I'm happy to announce. But that's OK, because I'm only responsible for my own life."

So here's my advice to anyone who is thinking about parenthood. Before embarking on the promising and enthralling venture you should consider what it actually means and then make your choice.

It means giving up your freedom. It means always thinking about someone else first. It means the rest of your life. Don't ever prepare to raise a child if you are not prepared to make these sacrifices. You will endure tantrums and arguments and silent treatments throughout your child's life. And mostly, please ensure that you are mature enough not to be the one to instigate rows.

Don't think about how a child will improve your life, but think about how you will improve a child's life. Don't have a baby to serve as masking tape in a weak relationship. Don't have a baby because it's the next obvious step. Don't have a baby to 'fill a gap' in your life. Babies can't fix the irreparable, and your broken relationship will set the foundation for a broken family. The next obvious step might not lead you in the right direction. Your baby is not an addition to your existing life, but a start of a new one; theirs.

Parents have to be selfless. I'm a teenager and I'm oh-so selfish, I'm happy to announce. But that's OK, because I'm only responsible for my own life. Parents, on the other hand, are responsible for all the lives they create or claim, and as such can not afford to do anything without first considering the effect it will have on these lives.

I know I ask a lot. I don't expect perfection all the time; of course parents will make mistakes. Of course they'll get into arguments about what time you should go to bed, or stay out until. Of course they'll put themselves first once or twice because it never occurred to them that their decision will affect the child. Mistakes are forgivable. Just don't let having a child be your first mistake, because you'll never be forgiven.

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