Relationships chat with Emily Dubberley - Part 2
Sex and relationships expert Emily Dubberley returned to TheSite.org chat room to offer advice on affairs of the heart and nether regions.
Jim_V: Hi Emily.
Emily: Hello!
Jim_V: OK we'll get things started. So who wants to ask the first question?
Emily: Ask away.
Katchika: If a person cheats on their partner but feels no guilt, what does that mean?
Emily: It could mean that the person who has cheated thinks that they somehow deserved to cheat. Maybe they feel like they've been treated badly in the relationship.
They may also feel like they can get away with it scot-free so there's no need for them to feel guilty about it. It's important for the person to look at the reasons why they have cheated rather than how it made them feel. Generally infidelity is an indication that there's something wrong in the relationship.
Jim_V: Thanks Emily.
Rachie: I've been with a guy for nine months who is a lot older than I am. He's quite insecure and guarded about his feelings due to his past experiences. I'm an open person and want to make plans for the near future but I feel like I'm always watching what I say around him in case I say too much and make him feel uncomfortable. We definitely have feelings for each other but how can I encourage him to open up to me?
Emily: Unfortunately people open up at their own time and pace. As human beings are complicated, one of the things guaranteed to make him clam up even more is pushing him to open up. Holding on too tightly is like clinging to a bar of soap - he'll just slip away. It's important to focus on having a life of your own - go out with your friends and become more confident. He is likely to respect you for this and may be more likely to open up to you. Excessive planning can kill a relationship so just enjoy the moment.
Rachie: Thanks.
Rob: How do you have anal sex (or begin to try) with your partner if it is painful for her?
Emily: Assuming she's up for it, start off with anal foreplay using lots of lube. Use a finger to circle the anus and then move on to penetration with a little finger and allow her to control the pace. Start with fingers and then move up to a small toy. Try silicon lube as it tends to be the best - you can get it for under a tenner from online sex shops such as www.lovehoney.co.uk. The process could take months - so give it time.
The next stage is to use the tip of the penis to penetrate - missionary position is actually the best. Make sure you use a condom for this. Allow her to push up onto the penis when she is ready. Oral play is also worth a try - but be aware of nasty stomach upsets like E. coli. You can cut up a flavoured condom to cover the area or use dental dams.
Jim_V: Thanks for that Emily, and now a couple of questions on sex drive.
kangoo: My sex drive has disappeared completely. Is there anything I can do to try and get it back? I have no desire for sex at all.
Emily: Look at your diet and exercise. Low libido is often down to excessive alcohol intake, drug use or lack of exercise. Depression is also a common cause. If you have a good lifestyle and are not depressed then don't be shy to go to a doctor (GP) about it. Also try masturbating as it's a good way to get you into the mood. Sometimes masturbating can be like eating - you might not be hungry but you know you've got to get some food inside you!
kangoo: I suffer from depression but have done for the past seven years and this problem only started a year ago. If I go to the doctor what can they do about it?
Emily: It might be that they can change your medication, as even if you haven't changed medications for over seven years then your body's reaction to it can change over time. They can also recommend counselling as there may be a psychological reason for why your libido has gone. It's always good to get free counselling if you can. Also it's worth bearing in mind that anyone's libido can go in ebbs and flows throughout life so try not to panic about it too much.
kangoo: Ah thanks. I've changed my antidepressants and my pill and even stopped both completely but to no avail. After that they said go away there's nothing left to do
Emily: In that case I'd try the counselling or see a different GP if you can - perhaps yours isn't very understanding. There are constantly new antidepressants coming out and there may be one that's right for you that doesn't have an effect on your sex drive. Finally, it may be worth getting checked for anaemia as that can impact on your sex life.
Kangoo: OK, thank you so much.
Kate: Hi. I just wondered what the general advice is for dealing with a difference in sex drives? Unusually, it is me with the high sex drive, and my boyfriend who has the low drive.
Emily: Masturbation and compromise are key to dealing with this. So if you want it five times a week, and he wants it once, see if you can have sex twice or three times a week. Also, consider masturbating in front of your partner as this may get him in the mood. What's more, even if he doesn't want sex, he may still like to go down on you.
Kate: I can get quite upset about it, as I feel like he's rejecting me if he says no.
Emily: Don't see it as a sign that you're not attractive, it's just down to his body's natural state. People often have mismatched libidos and it's one of the common reasons people go to agony aunts.
Is it the sex you really want or is it more affection? If that's the case then it might take the pressure off him if you encourage more kisses and cuddles rather than actual sex.
Ultimately, it's worth just sitting down and talking in a softly softly way to let him know you are anxious about the situation.
Kate: It's definitely the sex! He is affectionate normally, this is not a problem at all.
Emily: It really is one of those cases where it's 'him and not you'. Make sure you invest in a very good vibrator as unfortunately there's no magic pill he can take.
Kate: I have a very good one I won from TheSite.org actually! I'll keep using it. Thanks for answering my question.
Jim_V: Good to know we could help!
hanhan: I've been having sex for five years but suddenly realised that before Saturday night, I'd never ever made love before. The experience has left me feeling sort of confused and highly emotional. Is this normal?
Emily: Absolutely. Many people have sex before they're emotionally ready.
Enjoy this new found experience, but think about the way you have been perceiving sex up until now. Don't let yourself get carried away and automatically believe you are destined to be with this person forever. It's a wonderful thing though and something to be cherished.
hanhan: I know that, I just mean it's left me feeling sort of highly emotional about sex in general if that makes any sense and I've realised that my whole approach to sex was wrong to start with.
Emily: You're bound to be feeling emotional, but see it as a positive thing. You've found a new maturity and you're moving forward. Although you can't change the past - you can change the future. The endorphins that come with sex can make you feel emotional, but pampering, warm baths and chocolate can help restore the equilibrium.
Endorphins are happy hormones that go through your body when you've had particularly good sex. It's almost like taking a drug as you can have a comedown as well as having the blissful feelings.
It might also help to write down how you are feeling. It can help you work out your thoughts and stop your head from looping.
hanhan: I see, I'll try. Thanks!
lucky: I had sex for the first time in March (20th) I then had a period on the 24th March which was a normal flow etc. I am on the pill and he used a condom. However, I have not had a period since. I have taken two pregnancy tests both came back negative.
Emily: It's very, very unlikley you are pregnant since you used two methods of contraception. It could be a reaction to stress - especially as it was your first time.
If you've lost a lot of weight that could stop your periods. Other stress, for example, exam stress, can also effect your periods. It is worth going to see your GP as lack of periods can be a sign of other things, not just pregnancy. I must say well done for being so responsible during your first time having sex.
Have you been taking breaks between pill packets? As if you haven't had a break you won't have a period.
lucky: The doctor has said I shouldn't have a break with the pill I'm on. I just have to keep taking them.
Emily: I'd have a chat to your doctor about it - and tell them what's happened. They'll be able to reassure you.
Jim_V: Hopefully your GP will be able to help more, lucky, and here's the next question.
kangoo: What does it mean when you dream about having sex with someone else while in a relationship? Especially someone who you wouldn't normally fancy, for example a girl!
Emily: It's nothing to be worried about - people can have pervy dreams about things they'd never want to actually do in reality. It could be that the person in the dream has an attribute you would like in yourself - so nothing to do with sex at all. And don't worry, it doesn't mean you're a lesbian.
kangoo: My boyfriend was jealous when I told him I'd had sex with another man in my dream.
Emily: Next time, don't tell the boyfriend about it - the dream doesn't mean anything but it is going to make him feel insecure. You don't need to share everything with a partner to have a good relationship. In fact, if a partner can tell you were having a raunchy dream just say: "I was dreaming about you darling."
kangoo: OK, thank you.
Reg: I am currently in a relationship that is getting progressively more serious, but situations in our personal and professional lives may limit this progress. I have feelings for my girlfriend, yet I don't know where this is going. How can I express my feelings without putting an awkward stress on the relationship?
Emily: Honesty is going to have to be the best policy. Write a letter and re-read it for a whole week before sending it. Maybe even get a friend to read it to make sure there's no unnecessary pressure in it. You definitely need to be open about this because if you aren't able to say how you feel then tension is likely to build and you may well blow when you least expect to.
Katchika: How can a woman speed up a man's performance in bed?
Emily: I'd say give him oral sex before full sex so that he is as close to the edge as possible beforehand. In terms of positions, doggy style tends to make a man come more quickly. Talking dirty can also speed things up, especially if you stick to the basics like: "you're really big, big and hard." Finally, let him know you're enjoying yourself by making lots of moans and groans.
kangoo: I feel insecure about my "womanly" parts. I think they look weird and worry about hygiene even though I wash lots. My boyfriend says he loves everything about me, but how can I be more confident?
Emily: This is a very common worry. Certainly don't wash your parts too often as you could give yourself an infection such as thrush. Looking at images of other women's bits on health websites can help you to feel more confident. It's not a good idea to look at porn though as it will only give you an unrealistic view of how women look. Try to accept that sex is a perfectly normal thing to do, as sometimes perceptions of sex can affect the way we feel about our bodies. It sounds like you have a great boyfriend, but you might find it helps to get a doctor's opinion for reassurance that your vagina is normal.
Jim_V: Here's a quick follow up from hanhan.
hanhan: I don't quite understand the advice about the bath and chocolate you gave me earlier.
Emily: Endorphins are happy hormones that go through your body when you've had particularly good sex. It's almost like taking a drug as you can have a comedown as well as having the blissful feelings. So, pampering yourself with things like chocolate and warm baths can help you through that emotional stage. Is that clearer?
hanhan: Oh, I see! I didn't realise that. Yes thanks, that's much clearer!
lucky: I am planning on spending the night with my boyfriend for the second time ever, but as this is only the second time I've had sex I want to know what type of things I could do to make him enjoy it as well. I mean like foreplay and things like that.
Emily: Don't think you have to jump through lots of hoops. The chances are he will be feeling really good about having sex with you so you don't need lots of tricks. Invest in lube and use it before a hand job - either water or silicon-based. It might be worth getting a flavoured one as it will taste nicer for you. During oral sex use your hands to stimulate him at the same time as you're using your mouth. Finally, ask him what he likes because if you are having sex then you should feel comfortable enough with the person to talk to them about it.
lucky: OK, thank you.
kangoo: How can I stop doggy style hurting? My boyfriend likes it but I can feel it hitting something inside!
Emily: That would suggest that your boyfriend is quite large - it sounds like he is hitting the cervix. Have more foreplay as the more turned on you are the more your cervix moves backwards. If he's really big then your cervix might not be able to manoeuvre out of the way - in which case try flat doggy, it's similar to doggy style but you lie flat on your front. Also, tighten your cagel muscles, inside your vagina, as that will help stop him going too hard and fast and can act as a cue without ruining the mood. But never continue anything in bed that hurts you.
kangoo: Flat doggy works fine. He is just under average size so maybe I am unusually short?
Emily: Well we do all come in different shapes and sizes! Have you told him it hurts you? It may encourage him to try some new positions.
kangoo: Ok, thank you! We don't do it because it hurts, but he is always disappointed because he likes it the best!
Emily: Standing doggy might work, that's with you standing against the wall with him entering from behind.
Jim_V: Okay everyone that was the last question. Thanks for your time and thanks a lot to Emily.
kangoo: Yes thanks Emily, I can't believe how many questions I had.
Kate: Thanks Emily!
Emily: Thanks for all your great questions everyone!
Jim_V: Hopefully we'll see you again soon...
Relationships chat with Emily Dubberley - Part 2
Sex and relationships expert Emily Dubberley returned to TheSite.org chat room to offer advice on affairs of the heart and nether regions.
Jim_V: Hi Emily.
Emily: Hello!
Jim_V: OK we'll get things started. So who wants to ask the first question?
Emily: Ask away.
Katchika: If a person cheats on their partner but feels no guilt, what does that mean?
Emily: It could mean that the person who has cheated thinks that they somehow deserved to cheat. Maybe they feel like they've been treated badly in the relationship.
They may also feel like they can get away with it scot-free so there's no need for them to feel guilty about it. It's important for the person to look at the reasons why they have cheated rather than how it made them feel. Generally infidelity is an indication that there's something wrong in the relationship.
Jim_V: Thanks Emily.
Rachie: I've been with a guy for nine months who is a lot older than I am. He's quite insecure and guarded about his feelings due to his past experiences. I'm an open person and want to make plans for the near future but I feel like I'm always watching what I say around him in case I say too much and make him feel uncomfortable. We definitely have feelings for each other but how can I encourage him to open up to me?
Emily: Unfortunately people open up at their own time and pace. As human beings are complicated, one of the things guaranteed to make him clam up even more is pushing him to open up. Holding on too tightly is like clinging to a bar of soap - he'll just slip away. It's important to focus on having a life of your own - go out with your friends and become more confident. He is likely to respect you for this and may be more likely to open up to you. Excessive planning can kill a relationship so just enjoy the moment.
Rachie: Thanks.
Rob: How do you have anal sex (or begin to try) with your partner if it is painful for her?
Emily: Assuming she's up for it, start off with anal foreplay using lots of lube. Use a finger to circle the anus and then move on to penetration with a little finger and allow her to control the pace. Start with fingers and then move up to a small toy. Try silicon lube as it tends to be the best - you can get it for under a tenner from online sex shops such as www.lovehoney.co.uk. The process could take months - so give it time.
The next stage is to use the tip of the penis to penetrate - missionary position is actually the best. Make sure you use a condom for this. Allow her to push up onto the penis when she is ready. Oral play is also worth a try - but be aware of nasty stomach upsets like E. coli. You can cut up a flavoured condom to cover the area or use dental dams.
Jim_V: Thanks for that Emily, and now a couple of questions on sex drive.
kangoo: My sex drive has disappeared completely. Is there anything I can do to try and get it back? I have no desire for sex at all.
Emily: Look at your diet and exercise. Low libido is often down to excessive alcohol intake, drug use or lack of exercise. Depression is also a common cause. If you have a good lifestyle and are not depressed then don't be shy to go to a doctor (GP) about it. Also try masturbating as it's a good way to get you into the mood. Sometimes masturbating can be like eating - you might not be hungry but you know you've got to get some food inside you!
kangoo: I suffer from depression but have done for the past seven years and this problem only started a year ago. If I go to the doctor what can they do about it?
Emily: It might be that they can change your medication, as even if you haven't changed medications for over seven years then your body's reaction to it can change over time. They can also recommend counselling as there may be a psychological reason for why your libido has gone. It's always good to get free counselling if you can. Also it's worth bearing in mind that anyone's libido can go in ebbs and flows throughout life so try not to panic about it too much.
kangoo: Ah thanks. I've changed my antidepressants and my pill and even stopped both completely but to no avail. After that they said go away there's nothing left to do
Emily: In that case I'd try the counselling or see a different GP if you can - perhaps yours isn't very understanding. There are constantly new antidepressants coming out and there may be one that's right for you that doesn't have an effect on your sex drive. Finally, it may be worth getting checked for anaemia as that can impact on your sex life.
Kangoo: OK, thank you so much.
Kate: Hi. I just wondered what the general advice is for dealing with a difference in sex drives? Unusually, it is me with the high sex drive, and my boyfriend who has the low drive.
Emily: Masturbation and compromise are key to dealing with this. So if you want it five times a week, and he wants it once, see if you can have sex twice or three times a week. Also, consider masturbating in front of your partner as this may get him in the mood. What's more, even if he doesn't want sex, he may still like to go down on you.
Kate: I can get quite upset about it, as I feel like he's rejecting me if he says no.
Emily: Don't see it as a sign that you're not attractive, it's just down to his body's natural state. People often have mismatched libidos and it's one of the common reasons people go to agony aunts.
Is it the sex you really want or is it more affection? If that's the case then it might take the pressure off him if you encourage more kisses and cuddles rather than actual sex.
Ultimately, it's worth just sitting down and talking in a softly softly way to let him know you are anxious about the situation.
Kate: It's definitely the sex! He is affectionate normally, this is not a problem at all.
Emily: It really is one of those cases where it's 'him and not you'. Make sure you invest in a very good vibrator as unfortunately there's no magic pill he can take.
Kate: I have a very good one I won from TheSite.org actually! I'll keep using it. Thanks for answering my question.
Jim_V: Good to know we could help!
hanhan: I've been having sex for five years but suddenly realised that before Saturday night, I'd never ever made love before. The experience has left me feeling sort of confused and highly emotional. Is this normal?
Emily: Absolutely. Many people have sex before they're emotionally ready.
Enjoy this new found experience, but think about the way you have been perceiving sex up until now. Don't let yourself get carried away and automatically believe you are destined to be with this person forever. It's a wonderful thing though and something to be cherished.
hanhan: I know that, I just mean it's left me feeling sort of highly emotional about sex in general if that makes any sense and I've realised that my whole approach to sex was wrong to start with.
Emily: You're bound to be feeling emotional, but see it as a positive thing. You've found a new maturity and you're moving forward. Although you can't change the past - you can change the future. The endorphins that come with sex can make you feel emotional, but pampering, warm baths and chocolate can help restore the equilibrium.
It might also help to write down how you are feeling. It can help you work out your thoughts and stop your head from looping.
hanhan: I see, I'll try. Thanks!
lucky: I had sex for the first time in March (20th) I then had a period on the 24th March which was a normal flow etc. I am on the pill and he used a condom. However, I have not had a period since. I have taken two pregnancy tests both came back negative.
Emily: It's very, very unlikley you are pregnant since you used two methods of contraception. It could be a reaction to stress - especially as it was your first time.
If you've lost a lot of weight that could stop your periods. Other stress, for example, exam stress, can also effect your periods. It is worth going to see your GP as lack of periods can be a sign of other things, not just pregnancy. I must say well done for being so responsible during your first time having sex.
Have you been taking breaks between pill packets? As if you haven't had a break you won't have a period.
lucky: The doctor has said I shouldn't have a break with the pill I'm on. I just have to keep taking them.
Emily: I'd have a chat to your doctor about it - and tell them what's happened. They'll be able to reassure you.
Jim_V: Hopefully your GP will be able to help more, lucky, and here's the next question.
kangoo: What does it mean when you dream about having sex with someone else while in a relationship? Especially someone who you wouldn't normally fancy, for example a girl!
Emily: It's nothing to be worried about - people can have pervy dreams about things they'd never want to actually do in reality. It could be that the person in the dream has an attribute you would like in yourself - so nothing to do with sex at all. And don't worry, it doesn't mean you're a lesbian.
kangoo: My boyfriend was jealous when I told him I'd had sex with another man in my dream.
Emily: Next time, don't tell the boyfriend about it - the dream doesn't mean anything but it is going to make him feel insecure. You don't need to share everything with a partner to have a good relationship. In fact, if a partner can tell you were having a raunchy dream just say: "I was dreaming about you darling."
kangoo: OK, thank you.
Reg: I am currently in a relationship that is getting progressively more serious, but situations in our personal and professional lives may limit this progress. I have feelings for my girlfriend, yet I don't know where this is going. How can I express my feelings without putting an awkward stress on the relationship?
Emily: Honesty is going to have to be the best policy. Write a letter and re-read it for a whole week before sending it. Maybe even get a friend to read it to make sure there's no unnecessary pressure in it. You definitely need to be open about this because if you aren't able to say how you feel then tension is likely to build and you may well blow when you least expect to.
Katchika: How can a woman speed up a man's performance in bed?
Emily: I'd say give him oral sex before full sex so that he is as close to the edge as possible beforehand. In terms of positions, doggy style tends to make a man come more quickly. Talking dirty can also speed things up, especially if you stick to the basics like: "you're really big, big and hard." Finally, let him know you're enjoying yourself by making lots of moans and groans.
kangoo: I feel insecure about my "womanly" parts. I think they look weird and worry about hygiene even though I wash lots. My boyfriend says he loves everything about me, but how can I be more confident?
Emily: This is a very common worry. Certainly don't wash your parts too often as you could give yourself an infection such as thrush. Looking at images of other women's bits on health websites can help you to feel more confident. It's not a good idea to look at porn though as it will only give you an unrealistic view of how women look. Try to accept that sex is a perfectly normal thing to do, as sometimes perceptions of sex can affect the way we feel about our bodies. It sounds like you have a great boyfriend, but you might find it helps to get a doctor's opinion for reassurance that your vagina is normal.
Jim_V: Here's a quick follow up from hanhan.
hanhan: I don't quite understand the advice about the bath and chocolate you gave me earlier.
Emily: Endorphins are happy hormones that go through your body when you've had particularly good sex. It's almost like taking a drug as you can have a comedown as well as having the blissful feelings. So, pampering yourself with things like chocolate and warm baths can help you through that emotional stage. Is that clearer?
hanhan: Oh, I see! I didn't realise that. Yes thanks, that's much clearer!
lucky: I am planning on spending the night with my boyfriend for the second time ever, but as this is only the second time I've had sex I want to know what type of things I could do to make him enjoy it as well. I mean like foreplay and things like that.
Emily: Don't think you have to jump through lots of hoops. The chances are he will be feeling really good about having sex with you so you don't need lots of tricks. Invest in lube and use it before a hand job - either water or silicon-based. It might be worth getting a flavoured one as it will taste nicer for you. During oral sex use your hands to stimulate him at the same time as you're using your mouth. Finally, ask him what he likes because if you are having sex then you should feel comfortable enough with the person to talk to them about it.
lucky: OK, thank you.
kangoo: How can I stop doggy style hurting? My boyfriend likes it but I can feel it hitting something inside!
Emily: That would suggest that your boyfriend is quite large - it sounds like he is hitting the cervix. Have more foreplay as the more turned on you are the more your cervix moves backwards. If he's really big then your cervix might not be able to manoeuvre out of the way - in which case try flat doggy, it's similar to doggy style but you lie flat on your front. Also, tighten your cagel muscles, inside your vagina, as that will help stop him going too hard and fast and can act as a cue without ruining the mood. But never continue anything in bed that hurts you.
kangoo: Flat doggy works fine. He is just under average size so maybe I am unusually short?
Emily: Well we do all come in different shapes and sizes! Have you told him it hurts you? It may encourage him to try some new positions.
kangoo: Ok, thank you! We don't do it because it hurts, but he is always disappointed because he likes it the best!
Emily: Standing doggy might work, that's with you standing against the wall with him entering from behind.
Jim_V: Okay everyone that was the last question. Thanks for your time and thanks a lot to Emily.
kangoo: Yes thanks Emily, I can't believe how many questions I had.
Kate: Thanks Emily!
Emily: Thanks for all your great questions everyone!
Jim_V: Hopefully we'll see you again soon...