Emotional fall-out
Question
My boyfriend has suffered from an alcohol problem for some time and self-harms a lot too. He's has lots of treatment but the problem remains and there's been no improvement in his behaviour.
The thing is, he believes he was raped when he was young and although I know I should be supportive it's becoming harder as he's been mentally and physically abusive towards me for some time. He keeps asking me to help him, but how? I feel as though he is destroying me because I have become just as depressed as he is.
He does talk to me about the rape but has trouble expressing his feelings, so when he does mention it he resorts to self-harm. Please help me to help him. He says he wants a 'normal' life, to be able to work, get married and have kids. Is this ever possible? Or am I just wasting my time?
Answer
It sounds like both you and your boyfriend have been through a lot over the years, so it's unsurprising you're finding things difficult.
It's great he feels able to talk to you, even if you feel you could do more. By offering a non-judgemental, listening ear, you are giving him an opportunity to air some of his emotions regarding the rape. This is, in itself, supportive.
But it's important to also look after yourself. It must be hard for you when his behaviour becomes abusive and, from what you say, supporting your boyfriend is having an effect on your emotional state. People can find it helpful to talk about their feelings to others, like close family or friends. If you feel this is possible, you might want to consider sharing your feelings. By getting some support yourself may in turn help you to support him.
It sounds like these emotions are clearly proving to be very painful for your boyfriend to deal with. The self harming actions you described, including alcohol misuse, can be an outlet for feelings such as guilt, shame, self-hatred and depression your boyfriend may have been harbouring since he was raped.
Alcohol can affect the body in a number of ways. It slows reactions, dehydrates the body, it can also impair sight and hearing, affect sexual performance and speech. It can also affect the central nervous system, resulting in reduced awareness of pain and, if enough alcohol is drunk, it can also lead to loss of consciousness. As you said, it might be worth considering the reasons behind your boyfriend's need to drink and self harm. Even if it's just advice he wants, or the opportunity to talk about his drinking, he can call Drinkline on 0800 917 82 82. Drinkline is also open to friends and relatives so you or your boyfriend could call them.
You mention your boyfriend has received treatment and professional support in the past. Since there seem to be multiple issues that need supporting, it might be useful to consider focusing on one issue at a time. If the rape is an area he might want to focus on, then Survivors UK provide a helpline on 0845 122 1201 and offer support groups for men who have been raped or sexually abused.
As you said, living with someone who is drinking and who self harms means a lot of emotional support is demanded of you and this is obviously very draining. You are understandably depressed by the situation. But, your boyfriend may well be unable to fulfil your emotional needs due to the way his issues are overwhelming him. Please realise you do not have to be alone in this. If you feel you would like to talk to someone in confidence about how you feel and the depression you are experiencing, SANELINE offers emotional support and information to anyone experiencing mental health problems. You can call them on 0845 767 8000.
Counselling could also be an option for you, as it could offer you an opportunity to work through the issues surrounding your depression and indeed, the way the abusive behaviour is having impact on you. You can find local counsellors through The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).
Finally, remember, there is no such thing as a 'normal' life; but with the right help and support, it may be possible that in time, you will both be able to work through the trouble you are currently experiencing.
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Question answered by SANE
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