Women and domestic violence
Domestic violence affects many young women across the country, regardless of age, class, race, gender or lifestyle. If you're in a situation you need to get out of, help is available.
There are an estimated 12.9 million incidents of domestic violence a year, and it's not just women who are affected. More worryingly, a quarter of all murders in Britain are the result of domestic violence. The British Crime Survey revealed that one in four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime; every minute in the UK the police receive a call from the public for assistance following domestic violence; and nearly one in five counselling sessions with Relate mentioned domestic violence as an issue in marriage.
Domestic violence is about power and control and is rarely a one-off incident. Abuse is experienced in many different ways and can include physical, sexual or psychological behaviour as well as financial issues. Violence usually takes place within an intimate relationship, such as a partner or a family member, and forms a pattern of controlling behaviour where the abuser tries to control and seek power over their victim.
Keep Safe
If you are still living with your abuser, Refuge gives the following advice:
- Be ready to call 999 if you or your children are in danger;
- Keep some money and a set of keys in a safe place;
- Find out about your legal and housing rights, e.g. talk to a solicitor;
- Keep copies of important papers (passports, birth certificates, court orders, marriage certificate) in a safe place;
- Carry a list of emergency numbers, such as the police, relatives and friends you can turn to;
- Tell someone you trust about the abuse;
- Make calls from a phone box or a friend's house;
- Report any injuries to your GP (doctor) so there's a record of the abuse;
- Talk to family and friends about staying with them in an emergency;
- Think about escape routes.
Escape routes - where will I go?
It's important to remember that you're not alone. Recognising there's a problem is an important first step and there are several options available if you need to get out fast. These include staying in a refuge, emergency accommodation, or temporarily with family and friends. A refuge is a safe house - a place that will accommodate women and children who are experiencing domestic violence. There are over 500 in the UK and you can choose to be as near or as far to your home as you wish.
There are several ways to arrange refuge accommodation. You could call the national 24-hour Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, or you could try contacting one yourself by looking through the A-Z of local domestic support on the Women's Aid website. Emergency accommodation is usually in a B&B, but will be for a limited period only. To apply for this you need to approach your local council housing department.
Staying with your mates or family will probably be your first choice, but this may not work out over a long period of time. It may be easy for your abuser to work out where you are and friends and family might only be able to accommodate you for a short time - they may even encourage you to go back if they don't know the full story.
"You think to yourself, how can I be in this situation? But you want to make it work."
What are my rights?
Leaving your home doesn't affect your right to return, your tenancy rights or ownership of the home. Whether you rent or own your home, you have the same rights. Being assaulted by somebody you know is still a crime and you have a right to be protected under the law.
The police are the first port of call for women in an emergency. Their role is to protect everybody from harm and to investigate. You can ask to speak with a female officer and an interpreter.
You may decide that it is safe to return to your home if you get an injunction. There are two types:
- Non-molestation Order
This is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using threatening violence against you or your children; - Occupation Order
An Occupation order regulates who can live in the family home and can also restrict your abuser from entering the surrounding area.
Is it my fault?
No - the abuser is responsible for their behaviour. Placing the blame on somebody else is something that abusers often do to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
The blame game is a common one as Catherine remembers. She says: "When you've been hit you think, 'My God, this is cold-blooded, controlling, calculating stuff'. You think to yourself, 'How can I be in this situation?' But you want to make it work. You love this person and you think it must be your fault, and he tells you it is. He's attractive and successful, people think he's wonderful and he's earning lots of money. You believe the problem lies with you."
Abusers who use alcohol or drugs may say, "I was drunk", or "I don't remember", but this should not be a reason to let someone get away with hurting you. But blaming somebody else or even denying that it happened at all are all ways for the abuser to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
