Selfish satisfaction
Question
Rather than be with me my boyfriend just seems to want to wank himself off all the time. He masturbates at least five times a day and never makes an effort with me in bed. This is really getting me down and it's making me angry all the time, is there anything I can do about it?
Answer
It's entirely understandable you're upset. Most people would be - unless they weren't too bothered about sex. And it's quite natural to be angry. For a start, you're probably not getting much sexual satisfaction yourself, which must be frustrating. Secondly, you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel at least a bit let down by this guy and the situation.
It does sound like you're dating a guy with an extremely high sex drive. And men with a high sex drive will usually need to masturbate - probably every day - as well as have full sex with their partners. But if your boyfriend is always much keener on 'do it yourself' sex than he is on warm, loving, companionable sex with you, this is very tough for you.
What is not quite clear from your question is how good, or bad, the rest of the relationship is. If it's marvellous, then obviously it would be good if you could get the sex to improve too. But if it's not too great, you might want to consider whether it's really worth the time and effort to get better sex.
Either way you probably want to consider talking to him and explaining how dispiriting the situation is for you and you may want to try to come to some agreement that he will try to have more sex with you. Or, if you've tried all that, you could think about getting him to go with you for some sexual counselling.
If you're under 25 you can go to a Brook Centre and talk to a counsellor there (with or without your boyfriend), they'll talk to you about any sexual matter that's concerning you. If there isn't a Brook centre near you, you can call their helpline on 0800 0185 023 and they will be able to offer you information about services near you. Any conversations you have with them will be free and confidential. Another good source of help would be Relate. They offer email and phone counselling as well as the more orthodox face to face variety.
If you do choose to under take some form of counselling it is essential you do it with your boyfriend. It may be your boyfriend is unwilling to put more energy into loving sex with you. If this is the case you may want to consider whether or not you really can, or want to, remain in this relationship.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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