Spiritual split
Question
My boyfriend, who I've been with for over five years has just finished with me. He's a Muslim and, because I'm not, we kept the relationship a secret from his parents until recently. When he did tell them about it all their reaction was to ignore me, criticise him and refuse to listen to anything he had to say on the matter. In the end he was so scared of losing them he ended our relationship. My heart's broken and I feel so angry, with his parents, and with him. I know we still love each other, but I just don't know if there's anything I can do to save the relationship. What should I do?
Answer
It's understandable how hurt, saddened and angered you feel by your partner's decision to break up with you. It's also not surprising how angry you feel towards his family as well. From the sound of it, they were clearly instrumental in the demise of your relationship. You have every right to be deeply hurt and angry.
From what you have said, it sounds like your boyfriend has maintained strong ties to his faith. But what isn't clear is whether you and he ever discussed the role of religion, in his life and in yours, during the years you were together. It's also not clear whether you ever discussed the possibility of your converting to Islam, if that's something you want to do, or if it's even a viable option. Perhaps you did and the discussion always ended in an argument, or maybe you both preferred to ignore the subject because it was too painful to deal with. Sometimes, talking about a sensitive topic is too painful to endure, that's why many couples opt to sweep the problem under the carpet, in the hope it will go away.
The problem is, issues of such importance and magnitude never disappear on their own. They stick around until a solution either handily presents itself (rarely), or the issue is resolved through open and honest communication. In your case, it seems as if you never had the chance to actually hash it out with your boyfriend. His family didn't want him to get serious with a non-Muslim, and he complied.
Without knowing his side of the story, as well as the daily ins-and-outs of yourrelationship, it's hard to say if the decision to break up with you was painfully forced upon your boyfriend, or whether he simply accepted the situation, agreed a relationship with a non-Muslim was too problematic, and moved on. What is clear, however, is how the break-up is making you feel: angry, hurt and betrayed.
Your feelings are very real, and you will need to work through them, in order to move on with your life. A useful place to start with it is Get Connected, a free telephone helpline that finds young people the best help, whatever the problem. You can ring them on 0808 8084994 from 1pm to 11pm every day. They will be able to put you in touch with the right service for you so you can access the support and help you might need.
Finally, it's important to remember that although you love this man and you're devastated about the unfairness of the situation, when it comes to matters pertaining to religion and religious beliefs, logic and fairness are rarely a part of the equation. Your boyfriend is dealing with centuries-old customs; customs that he may not necessarily agree with, but customs he is morally and ethically obliged to follow nevertheless. While that is no consolation to you, it is important for you to realise that the break-up was in no way your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently to save the relationship. In many ways, the situation was out of your control.
If you can, try to get the help you need so that you can emerge from this sad experience a stronger person, with her heart back in one piece. With some hard work and effort you will get through this.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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