On the rebound
Entering into a new relationship right on the back of a break-up is a not always the greatest of ideas. There's every chance you may be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
What does it mean to be on the rebound?
In simple terms, someone who is 'on the rebound' has started a new relationship before they have managed to get over an old relationship. In Rikki Lake or Jerry Springer terms, they still have 'issues' from before that they haven't worked through yet.
There is no set time for getting over a break-up, and it varies from person to person. The way in which the previous partners split up can also affect things, especially if someone was unfaithful or cruel. Meeting someone new on the rebound may be used as a source of comfort, and a way of temporarily blotting out painful feelings and memories.
Some people are just really scared of being alone, and rush back into coupledom too quickly. They don't take the time to think about what went wrong before, and don't learn from their previous mistakes. The end result is that their new love interest often gets treated unfairly, and can get badly hurt.
Spotting the signs
If one of you has rushed into the relationship before you've come to terms with a past break-up, this will probably soon start to show up. Rebounds can often start off as whirlwind-type romances, where offers of moving in together can happen after a few days, and sometimes marriage proposals are made within a few short weeks.
Denise Knowles from Relate says: "There are all sorts of signs. Sometimes they go out of their way to have a really good time and appear extrovert, it's a way of drawing attention to themselves to get a new partner, when they really feel like moping on their own in a corner."
"Other people can be incredibly needy, wanting to be in touch all the time," she continues. "They need to feel attached, rather than feel the pain of the previous relationship. A few others may have plenty of bitterness, making comments such as 'all men are bastards', or 'women are bitches', but then saying to their new partner 'but of course, you're different.'"
Someone who is carrying a lot of unresolved stuff around with them often chooses a 'safe person' as their new lover. They have opted for a man or woman who will not hurt them like their last boyfriend or girlfriend did. For example, if they are especially afraid of unfaithfulness, they'll pick someone who is strongly monogamous, or maybe unattractive and dowdy. They might also subconsciously pick a person who seems 'easy to leave'.
Looking forward
According to Denise: "Rebounds very rarely work out. They are usually only a transitory relationship, where they're going from being part of a couple, to getting to know themselves, to being single again or finding out what they really want."
Someone who is on the rebound needs time and space to get over their last relationship. They may need to be given some room for a while. After that, if they still can't see their new lover as a person in his or her own right, instead of just a distraction to take their mind off of things, then there's no real chance of a serious relationship. Maybe it's time to move on.
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